If I could do it all over again...

Hey everybody! Well, my New York life has officially started! I have completed Orientation and am in my first week of classes at AMDA. I have been through such a range of emotions that I am not quite sure which end is up right now. What I thought was my worst nightmare has come true...I am the oldest person in the incoming class. And the next oldest is six years younger than me. I've tried to figure out why exactly that is so devastating to me and I think it's more than just having to be around young, "creative" personalities that are away from home for the first time. I think I can handle that. I think I'm actually more worried that, with no true peer group, I'll have to face all my insecurities and vulnerabilities in a judgmental environment with no real support system.

I'm almost done with my first week and I've been to nearly all my classes at least once. We work in cohorts for most of the classes, so it's kind of comforting to have some consistency with the students. I really hope that will help me develop more relationships and start to trust myself more. We'll see.

Disaster struck in Musical Theatre class yesterday. We've been each performing some songs in our repertoire for the group so the teacher can see what kind of work we've been doing in the past. I had to go second to last so I had plenty of time to get good and nervous. I tried going through all my mental preparation to be able to get up there and sing the music I've sung a million times. I was finally called and I felt pretty normal. I went to sing my first song...and it turned out my body had been planning a secret mutiny on me. Throat dry as sand, only one lung decided to work...yeah. I sang like a 7th grader. How embarrassing is that? The oldest person in the group, the one with a classical music degree, for heaven's sake! Here I've been dreading being typecast as only a "pretty voice" who can't do character songs...and then this happens.

When the song finally ended, mercifully, I just stood there like an idiot wondering what just happened. I fought back all the mean things I wanted to say to myself and just placed myself at the teacher's mercy. She asked to hear another song, the one character song that I've learned. I am normally scared to death of it because it is so out of my normal repertoire, but I figured I couldn't possibly screw up more than I just had. Why not vomit all over my "upbeat" piece as well?

The accompanist started and I just jumped right in. It was amazing...apparently the coup staged by my body was short-lived, as most coups are, and I started singing like a crazy woman...in a good way. The class kind of gasped and nodded as if to say, "Oh, ok, here's what the kind of music she REALLY sings." They laughed at the funny parts and I got more animated and it got to be more fun and I didn't want the song to end! Ever! But it did, and I went back to my seat and, for the millionth time since I started doing musical theatre, pondered therapy.

I'm relieved I finished strong and I'm trying to hang on to that feeling, but I'm still so disappointed that I screwed up the one thing I can actually do well. I wished there had been time to redo that first song. I probably would've done a better job after getting the nerves out a little bit. The real bummer is I had wanted to go out on the first try and really show something promising like the rest of the class did, but it looks like I'm gonna be a dark horse, like always. That's not totally bad, since the dark horse usually ends up surprising everybody, but it would be nice...just once, when it really counts...to just be able to nail something the first time around.

One good thing about being the oldest in the group is that I've lived this stuff before. Since I was eleven years old, I've competed on stage and off. I've played sports (which holds way more meaning than those happy little words seem to say) and I've put myself out there on a limb more times than some people do in their entire lives. As much as I hate the rollercoaster, I know what this feels like. Here I am, in school (AGAIN!) and I am in that very enviable situation of "If I could do it all over again..." and I can actually make the most of it. Not that I know everything, but I've got a few battlescars and badges of honor that will hopefully help me get through this with a little less damage than I've suffered in the past.

I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm way up here in NYC, doing my best, getting my butt whipped, and getting back up again...just like always. It's gonna be fine....now I just have to tell my body that.