Hello.

Hello. How are we today?

I'm doing alright, thanks. I'm on a week's vacation between school semesters. Of course I've been meaning to write this semester, but it was too packed with non-bloggy stuff. 

School's been crazy and I have to tell you, peeps, I'm a different gal. This semester had all kinds of highs and lows, successes and ...whatever.

So, this blog is going to be about: What kind of person are you?

When someone bothers you, do you take action?

When you take action, do you take it immediately?

When you take action, do you bring others on board?

When you take action, do you wish you could un-take it?

Are you spreading the poison of futility when you let off steam?

Is it better not to give it the power of a voice?

Are you truly looking for support and understanding when you talk it over with friends?

I am still waiting for the other shoe to drop. Maybe I'll let you know how it goes.

Other than that...I had some lovely successes this semester as well: I was the only 2nd semester student invited to present at the Final Demo for school. I sang my classical song. Hooray for me! It was fun! I learned nine new songs this semester for musical theatre! (Compare that to last semester's three songs) I saw [title of show] five times, including the first preview and closing night and every single time, I was both moved and fortified to continue with this dream of a performer's life. I made some nice friends that I didn't have last semester. We moved to a great new apartment that will pretty much change the way we experience New York. I'm also a new library manager at school. Yee Haw! Oh, and I'm totally in love with my gay dance teacher. He's the lovely calm in my school-life storm.

I guess that about sums up this semester. Shawn and I are just getting it done, day by day. She's amazing and totally the reason I can succeed here. If you don't already know her, you should get to know her. She's the real deal. 

I think I just grew up ... wait, what?

I don't think I've written about this yet, amazingly enough. I will now attempt what I've previously thought impossible. I shall tell my sad, horrible tale of high school basketball in one paragraph. 

Growing up, I played basketball for more than 12 years. I played for my school teams through junior high and high school and played pick-up games and in summer leagues through college and beyond. I love basketball so much it hurts. Anyway, all those years I played, defense was my specialty. I was never much of an offensive threat on my own, though I had a great eye for making assists. I always considered myself a very strong team player. In high school, my varsity coach was extremely tough and we all played so hard for her. Sadly, I was rarely played in games. She would run me into the ground in practices and I felt very valuable in helping my team prepare, but in games, I was either someone she put in when she needed to talk to a player without calling a time-out for the whole team or if someone was in foul trouble. There were many times I didn't even have to wash my uniform since I'd only worn it to sit on the bench. I made all kinds of sacrifices to play on that team and I was a genuinely good player, but I was never given the respect or opportunities I deserved.

After graduating from high school, I spent a good ten years (!) hating and hurting from those experiences. While I've always been a goal oriented person, a lot of my goals held this impossible glimmer of hope that maybe I would run into my coach again and she would know what I'd been doing since high school and be proud of me. I spent many years wanting to prove things to her and to myself, to remind myself that I was worthy and wronged all those years. Obviously, I had major issues with that experience and I thought about it and talked about it constantly. Since I'd never really had any real problems with my family or school or anything traumatic like that, basketball was the source of most of my adolescent pain. Sadly, I carried a lot of that pain into adulthood, holding onto it like some sort of badge of honor. I didn't think there was anything wrong with that.

Awhile back, toward the end of my semester here at school, I was walking home and thinking about something one of my teachers said. It was about giving your all when you're out there on stage. There is such a difference when someone who is technically good at their craft goes the extra mile and puts their whole being into their performance. I thought about how many times I've sung in front of people and only given 80 or 90 percent of myself. The rest is usually given over to some emotion or fear or anxiety. I can only think of a couple of times when I just let myself ride the wave and let whatever happened happen, and those times were never, ever when I was singing alone. It's so much safer to lose oneself while in a crowd (or choir).

Here at school, they've really been working on our audition preparations. We are encouraged to make the most of every moment we are seen or heard and to be engaged and ready to jump at opportunities to perform. This is not my way. While I am consistently prepared with my material and make a good, professional impression when I interview, I am not usually proactive in creating opportunities for myself. It's always seemed self-promoting and egotistical. I would much rather be called upon than ask for the chance to perform. The fact is though, I am about to be entering a business for myself and I need to promote myself with confidence. This will be quite a challenge.

In class, we often watch each other and are encouraged to comment on who caught our eye in an audition scenario. When I'm up there performing for everyone, I do a good job, but I don't always stand out and I don't know why. Suddenly I think back to basketball. I realized that I am still that defensive player. I don't "shoot the ball" when I get the chance. I'm often recognized for being polished and correct, but I don't let myself stand out from the crowd with my own personality. I wonder why? Is it because it's easier to be a blank canvas and just react to whatever they ask of me? That would actually be the definition of a defensive player. It's not a bad thing, but it also doesn't show anything of myself. To think of musical theatre performance in terms of basketball, I need to play some serious offense now. I know what I'm good at, now I need to expand it. 

As I walked along, I thought about my old high school self and heard myself say, "I wouldn't have played me either. Who wants to play someone who never shoots?" 

This was the first time in nearly a third of my life that I finally placed the blame where it should have been. If I had taken more chances, shot the ball and put myself out there in a different way, I would have been a player to reckon with. I would have been a real threat. Why didn't I do that? Sure, people were telling me I needed to shoot more. My teammates, my family, my other coaches were telling me I could do it. They encouraged me, they believed in me, but in that moment, those precious tenths of a second it takes to decide if you're going to dribble, pass, or shoot, I rarely took the chance. And that was my fault.

What a huge realization. I literally stopped in my tracks there on the sidewalk. Have I been living my life in a fog since those old days? I can't really say my life has been a let down since then. In fact, I've been quite proud of my accomplishments. To toot my own horn a little, my "good enough" has always been better than most in most things. I've been blessed that way, but none of that matters when I could have done better and didn't. And worse than that, I blamed someone else for it.

So, now here I am, 32 years old, finally taking grown-up responsibility and full accountability for my actions... and inaction. Wow, that certainly ups the stakes. I don't know what happened on that day to help me see things so clearly. Maybe I just wasn't ready to know. Maybe I just wasn't as smart as I thought I was. Wait, what?

Enough about you...let's talk about me.

I'm thinking most of you have been checking this blog daily and have been disappointed that I haven't written in awhile. I, too, have been sad that I haven't written in awhile. Truth is, I've wanted to write quite often, and I've even started several drafts, but I just haven't had the time. Ok, sometimes I have the time, but not the emotional energy for this kind of endeavor. I know, I know, I make it look easy, but blogging is actually a deep process involving a lot of soul searching and creative inspiration. Betcha didn't know that. Hm, anyway...I'm back and I thought I would give you all, my lovelies, a run-down of what life is like for me at school.

It's freakin' awesome! Woo hoo!
The End.

No, seriously, school is going great and every single day I'm reminded that there's nothing like this in Texas. My schedule is pretty rigorous, although I hear first semester is light compared to the following semesters. Here's a list of the classes I'm taking along with some details:

Voice & Speech Production (VPS) - This is where I am relearning 13 different vowel sounds and am trying to fix the Texan accent I never knew I had. I'm also learning to speak while my voice floats on a constant stream of air. We do a ton of yoga and tai chi to relax and center ourselves. I like that part. Right now, we are working on a short text from Romeo and Juliet, so I feel quite fancy.

Acting - I love this class, but it scares the poop out of me. I am pretty much a beginner with acting...at least this kind of acting...you know, real acting. I'm learning so much about just behaving normally in front of people. Sounds easy, but it ain't. My teacher is this really hip, older guy who really knows his stuff. He's hilarious and serious and cranky and sassy. We all love him, even when he yells at us.

Musical Theatre - I believe I wrote about this class in a previous blog. Ah yes, the day tragedy struck and my body was temporarily possessed by crappy-singing aliens. That was a rough day. The good news is I have regained my confidence and am now singing my butt off...in my own voice! The class is all about acting a song, identifying the objective of a song and then attaching actions within the lyrics that drive toward the objective. It's quite cerebral. No more singing just to hear the sound of my own voice. (Not that I ever did that...)

Private Voice - I have a private voice lesson once a week with a wonderful teacher off campus. Private voice is meant to teach musical theatre singers how to sing classically (and by "classically", I mean "correctly"). Since I already have some classical training, I've been able to jump ahead of the game a little and I'm doing really well on my classical song. It's been so rewarding to get back into private voice lessons again. It's been a long time and my voice has changed a lot. It's so much darker and stronger now. I feel like I'm getting to know my new voice and it's so exciting!

Musical Theatre Film - This class is totally made for me. We just watch film clips of famous performances. I've seen a lot of performances from shows that have a movie version, but there are a lot of new things for me too. We research and write papers on time periods, styles, and theatre breakthroughs. It's pretty cool.

Sight-Singing - AKA Music Theory. You know, reading music, rhythms, pitches, chords....ew, I just threw up a little in my mouth. Wait, didn't I already take that crap when I got my BA? I served my time. Well, it turns out that this guy is teaching it all differently and making it practical for sightsinging in auditions and work in actual shows. It's pretty fun most of the time. Did I just say that? Anyway, pardon the music theory jargon here, but so far my only problem is that he's teaching Fixed Do ("Do" like Do Re Mi) and I've using Moveable Do since I was 11 years old. All the pitch relationships seem wrong and I feel like I'm being forced to count in colors or something crazy like that. I am thinking of founding an underground resistance. But you didn't hear it from me.

On to the dancing... I have a different dance class four days a week. I take Tap, Jazz, Ballet, and Theatre Dance. We have requirements that we have to demonstrate in each class at the end of the semester and then each class also has a special dance specific to our class skill level. My favorite dance class is Tap. I thought I would like Jazz more, but we haven't done anything hard enough to be really fun yet. I like Theatre Dance, but it's more about mental focus than dance steps. Ballet is the bane of my existence. I like being fancy and graceful, but it's my last class of the day on Fridays. I'm so done by then. Ballet is the last thing I want to do.

Along with these classes, we are also required to attend vocal warm-ups in the mornings before school and dance flexibility routines after school. Even though I fit in vocal rehearsals when I have free time between classes, I've been coming to school on Saturdays for a few hours to work on my songs and review my dancing. It's a huge time commitment, but I feel so much more prepared the next week when I take the time to work through stuff on my own.

That's about it as far as the schedule goes. In general, I'm trying my best to keep mentally focused, stay disciplined, and to keep improving every day...even if it's just baby steps. That's all we can do, right? Be better today than you were yesterday. It can be a lot of fun here, but I'm always aware of that terrifying vulnerability just underneath the surface. It's hard to put yourself out there for judgment and to risk failure, but believing in yourself and committing to your goal is what makes life jump to the extraordinary. Isn't that what we're all looking for?

Until later, my lovelies... Dream Big!

Cutting Edge Goldfish

Hi! It's me again. Tonight, I fell dead asleep at 8:15pm...woke up at 11pm and am trying to figure out what to do with myself at 2:53am. I've watched most of Grease 2 (a deliciously horrible movie), watched the end of Big Business (a deliciously unrealistic piece of comedic genius), and am now watching The Cutting Edge (a deliciously good bargain of $5.50 at Target). I ate an apple and then made myself sick on cheddar goldfish crackers.

I've heard people come home from their Saturday night on the town...I hear people taking showers, people taking out their empty glass bottles. Shawn and I had a lovely evening last night. We went to an all-female comedy show and then had a late Italian dinner in Greenwich Village. The restaurant owner was so sweet to us and treated us to a round of drinks and dessert. I love eating late and the restaurants here stay open way past 10pm. It's nice. The only thing you could get to eat late in San Antonio was Whataburger.

I completed my profile on Facebook tonight...don't know if I'll actually use it. I found a lot of my AMDA group there, so we'll see if anyone feels like socializing that way. It's actually a nice, removed way of keeping up with people that suits my personality.

School's been good so far. I'm still waiting to present my first musical theatre song. It's a fun character song...since that seems to be my new thing now. I've done a couple of presentations in acting that have gone pretty well.
I'm very sure that I could not have gotten this kind of conservatory training in Texas and I am so grateful to be at the school. I wish I had a more meaningful connection with the rest of my group, but it's ok. We're just in different places personally. I'm kind of lonely for a true friend here (besides Shawn), but I'm sure I'll get what I need somehow. The main priority is my training, so I'll just stick to that and have faith that everything else will fall into place.

...
I think I'll have some cookies... cheers!

If I could do it all over again...

Hey everybody! Well, my New York life has officially started! I have completed Orientation and am in my first week of classes at AMDA. I have been through such a range of emotions that I am not quite sure which end is up right now. What I thought was my worst nightmare has come true...I am the oldest person in the incoming class. And the next oldest is six years younger than me. I've tried to figure out why exactly that is so devastating to me and I think it's more than just having to be around young, "creative" personalities that are away from home for the first time. I think I can handle that. I think I'm actually more worried that, with no true peer group, I'll have to face all my insecurities and vulnerabilities in a judgmental environment with no real support system.

I'm almost done with my first week and I've been to nearly all my classes at least once. We work in cohorts for most of the classes, so it's kind of comforting to have some consistency with the students. I really hope that will help me develop more relationships and start to trust myself more. We'll see.

Disaster struck in Musical Theatre class yesterday. We've been each performing some songs in our repertoire for the group so the teacher can see what kind of work we've been doing in the past. I had to go second to last so I had plenty of time to get good and nervous. I tried going through all my mental preparation to be able to get up there and sing the music I've sung a million times. I was finally called and I felt pretty normal. I went to sing my first song...and it turned out my body had been planning a secret mutiny on me. Throat dry as sand, only one lung decided to work...yeah. I sang like a 7th grader. How embarrassing is that? The oldest person in the group, the one with a classical music degree, for heaven's sake! Here I've been dreading being typecast as only a "pretty voice" who can't do character songs...and then this happens.

When the song finally ended, mercifully, I just stood there like an idiot wondering what just happened. I fought back all the mean things I wanted to say to myself and just placed myself at the teacher's mercy. She asked to hear another song, the one character song that I've learned. I am normally scared to death of it because it is so out of my normal repertoire, but I figured I couldn't possibly screw up more than I just had. Why not vomit all over my "upbeat" piece as well?

The accompanist started and I just jumped right in. It was amazing...apparently the coup staged by my body was short-lived, as most coups are, and I started singing like a crazy woman...in a good way. The class kind of gasped and nodded as if to say, "Oh, ok, here's what the kind of music she REALLY sings." They laughed at the funny parts and I got more animated and it got to be more fun and I didn't want the song to end! Ever! But it did, and I went back to my seat and, for the millionth time since I started doing musical theatre, pondered therapy.

I'm relieved I finished strong and I'm trying to hang on to that feeling, but I'm still so disappointed that I screwed up the one thing I can actually do well. I wished there had been time to redo that first song. I probably would've done a better job after getting the nerves out a little bit. The real bummer is I had wanted to go out on the first try and really show something promising like the rest of the class did, but it looks like I'm gonna be a dark horse, like always. That's not totally bad, since the dark horse usually ends up surprising everybody, but it would be nice...just once, when it really counts...to just be able to nail something the first time around.

One good thing about being the oldest in the group is that I've lived this stuff before. Since I was eleven years old, I've competed on stage and off. I've played sports (which holds way more meaning than those happy little words seem to say) and I've put myself out there on a limb more times than some people do in their entire lives. As much as I hate the rollercoaster, I know what this feels like. Here I am, in school (AGAIN!) and I am in that very enviable situation of "If I could do it all over again..." and I can actually make the most of it. Not that I know everything, but I've got a few battlescars and badges of honor that will hopefully help me get through this with a little less damage than I've suffered in the past.

I just wanted to let you guys know that I'm way up here in NYC, doing my best, getting my butt whipped, and getting back up again...just like always. It's gonna be fine....now I just have to tell my body that.

Our apartment in Chelsea

Here's a tiny video about our tiny apartment in Chelsea.

It's Harder at Night.

Hello everyone!
My newest New York addiction is playing computer solitaire while watching The Office on Netflix. Netflix is now offering unlimited Watch Now hours if you have an unlimited plan, which we do. So, I am now watching The Office because I never caught it on regular TV and now it is thousands of times more awesome than anything because there are no commercials and I can just watch them all back to back. The Office is hilarious because there are so many personalities on that show that I have actually worked with. I'm not sure which one I am yet. Maybe I don't want to know.

OK, so my title...It's Harder at Night... (Insert Michael Scott saying, "That's what she said." Love it.)

Solitaire is really hard for me at night. Of course it's easy to miss solitaire moves when I'm laughing at The Office in the corner of my screen, but it's also hard for me to play in general at night. I guess my mind is tired. Apparently not tired enough to just go to sleep, but definitely tired enough to miss some game altering moves. Hopefully I will get better at playing at night if I practice...and maybe, when the need arises for me to think late at night, in real life, I will be solitaire trained and ready. My brain will be ready to recognize connections and relationships and colors in a snap. Or should I say "in a synapse"...

Although my gaming-at-night skills are still in development, my humor-at-night skills are in peak form.

NYC Interview

Happy New Year!!!

I just finished the preview of my first show in New York! Hooray! I am doing The Ted Haggard Monologues. I am not actually doing a monologue, but I'm in the chorus. It's been a great warm-up to New York theatre. It's a very small company, so it's been nice to meet some people and get back in front of an audience. For the millionth time, I am so grateful to have Shawn here supporting me and cheering for me and telling me everyday how much pride she has in me. Seeing her there in the audience, wearing my little gray winter hat to hide "end of the day" hair, reminded me of home in a new place. We made this "interview" video on our way home in the subway station. Check it out!